Memory Lane has too many potholes
by redheadleela
Summary: Ongoing fiction based in season 3. Abby centric with references to a relationship between Abby and Kate. If it offends you don't read it. Spoilers for season 1 and 3. Reviews welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of NCIS, please don't sue.

Author note: this is a femslash fiction, you've been warned so no flames. This is going to be an ongoing story so this chapter is just an introduction which is why its so short. Please let me know what you think as I'm quite new to this fandom, all constructive criticism is welcome. It is based in season 3 so there are spoilers for that season, also many references to season 1.

They all know I miss her but only Gibbs fully understands why. Tony once asked me why I didn't take to him as fast as I took to her, I forget the reason I gave him but I know it wasn't the truth. I told so many lies at that time in my life, most were her lies, I just repeated them, but some were my own. I would say it was love at first sight, but that's so cheesy and I can't harm her memory that much. It all started that moment when Gibbs assigned her to work for me, to 'schlep' for me. I could feel the energy buzzing around us the minute we were left alone. When I told her that 'I'd show her mine if she showed me hers' her chuckle and the glint in her eyes sent shivers down my spine, as well as convincing me that she could feel the energy too. I've always had a great sense of people and what they are thinking, but she was a mystery her enigmatic looks and her secret laughs, I suppose it was her artistic nature, she was so intriguing and from that day I was hooked.

"Abby?" My mind was so lost in the past that the unfamiliar voice shocked me out of my reverie. "Wow! Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump."

"It's okay, my bad." I still felt that reality was misty at the edges, as if my mind was reluctant to leave this pleasant memory.

Ziva looked at me curiously, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why are you here?"

"Oh excuse me! I thought you might have finished analysing the powder we found!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, and I have finished, it was talc."

"Okay I'll leave you to your novel gazing."

I smiled and didn't bother to correct her. I floated back to her, to my lost love.


	2. Chapter 2

Author note: Again this does contain femslash, you have been warned. Hopefully this should clear up the confusion over the pairing, I was trying to be cryptic but maybe I was too successful so apologies mcabbyforever. Please read and review.

Disclaimer: Again I don't own any of it.

Our first kiss. Well I don't know what I can really say about that, it was fantastic, world-stopping but the after-math, well that was Chernobyl. It was one of those calm days around the office, when the mayhem of crime had temporarily subsided. She sought me out, I remember her voice stirring me from some small distraction, "You've been so annoying. I couldn't sleep at all last night because of you!"

I turned and grinned at her, "Me? What have I done?"

She walked right up close to me; I could sense every emotion running through her veins. I knew what she wanted but I could feel her fear.

"I couldn't sleep for thinking about you," she whispered, "I've wanted to…" Her voice tailed off.

"Kate, are you too afraid to take what you want from life. What you're feeling isn't wrong but I'm not gonna force you to act on it," I looked up at her to convince the object of my affection that the decision was hers.

She ducked her head so as not to meet my eye, my heart sunk and I waited for her to walk away, instead she looked up at me and spoke the words that changed my world,  
"Religion is supposed to guide your life, not be your life."  
She wrapped her arms around me and I tried to absorb every second of the experience as our lips met. I always felt surprised that there weren't actually any fireworks or shooting stars, I could've sworn I saw them. I know she saw them too, her satisfied sigh and her fleeting smile told me so. But the next second my fears were confirmed as she turned and ran.  
"Kate!" She didn't even turn back, all I could do is watch her retreating form.

"Abby!" I jumped off the couch as Gibbs burst through my front door and yelled my name.

"Whoa, what's wrong?"

"Are you alright?" I nodded briefly, waiting for him to explain, "You weren't answering your cell, where have you been?"

"I was here. I mustn't have heard it." I walked across the room and picked up my cell to see several missed calls and text messages. "Oh, sorry, were you worried?"

Gibbs stared me out with his piercing look, "Yes, but why didn't you hear it? Are you sure you're okay?"

He knew about us, but he still wouldn't understand, I can't tell him can I Kate? He wouldn't understand why I still grieve for you.

"Abby?"

"I'm fine Gibbs, I was sleeping." I could tell, by the look in those icy eyes, that he knew I was lying, but he let it slide.

"Come on I'll give you a lift to work," he turned to leave and I composed myself, dragged my mind firmly into the present, grabbed my keys and left. Kate remained in the shadows of my mind and my apartment.


	3. Chapter 3

Author note: Apologies for the delay in getting this chapter posted my life has been hectic and full of changes which left little time for fanfiction but thank you to Marish89 for giving me the kick up the backside to get back on with it! This chapter is a bit longer and hopefully makes more sense than the others! Enjoy and please review it makes me happy!

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS but I wish I owned Abby!

She came back. Well she had to; we still had to work together. But after some time had passed and I was beginning to think that our first kiss would be our last she approached me. It had been almost a fortnight and I was giving up all hope then my phone rang.

"Hey you're through to Abby," I grinned to myself as I remembered my decision to answer the phone a different way each time it rang that year.

"Hi Abby…" The silence that followed was only a few seconds long but it felt like eternity as she tried to think how to ask a favour of me after our last encounter and as I hyperventilated with anxious excitement. "… Did you ever tutor anyone in high school?"

"No, well nothing official but loads of people would scam answers off me. Why?"

"Tony is driving me crazy." I frowned trying to make sense of this disjointed line of thought and realised that Kate was really struggling so I threw her a line.

"I'm not mad at you Kate, I forgive you." I whispered it, so if she wanted to pretend that nothing had happened, she could do.

Another epic silence followed and then, "Would you teach me all the navy stuff I need to know? Because Tony is treating me like an idiot explaining everything really slowly and it's embarrassing. I want to show him what I'm capable of and I want to impress Gibbs and…"

"Of course I will! And Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Breathe!"

"I thought I'd find you down here." Abby looked up to see Tony grinning down at her.

"Yeah finding me in my lab is a big shock!" I rolled my eyes and felt annoyed that I'd been dragged back to the present, to my life without her.

Tony chuckled and responded, "I meant literally 'down' as in on the floor, asleep. The guys have been saying that you must be really tired 'cause you're acting very zombie."

Interesting, so the others hadn't figured out what was wrong with me, and Gibbs hadn't told, not that I had expected him to.

"Yeah tired right… Why were you looking for me? Wanted to watch me sleep?"

"No! I'm just bored!"

This made me laugh. Tony was always bored. "Well go bother Ducky instead of me."

"I did, until he threatened to autopsy me while I was still alive and awake!"

"Good for Ducky, bad for me. I suppose there is always the possibility of doing some work!"

"Aww do I have to?" I laughed at his schoolboy voice until another voice responded.

"Yes you do!"

"Hi Gibbs."

As the guys vacated my lab to chase the new lead I drifted back into my memory, the memory of what happened that night. We both learned a lot.

I answered the door before she knocked which freaked her out, but I couldn't help it, I was excited.

Once we settled on my couch, each with a glass of wine, I asked her exactly what she wanted to know.

"Everything!" I laughed and took a moment to notice how relaxed she looked. Right then I saw the potential of a very good night.

"Shall we start off smaller? Like types of ships and the names of them?"

"Yeah that's a good start."

After about three hours of going over and over the information I had given her I saw Kate yawn.

"Do you want to finish for tonight?"

She looked up confused as if she hadn't noticed her own body's protests of tiredness.

I decided to take a risk, so as I said, "You look tired," I reached across and gently brushed a lock of her hair from her face and tucked it away behind her ear.

She shivered slightly at my touch but for a few moments I didn't know if it was a good or bad shiver.

She moved quickly. Maybe in case she changed her mind before it happened. And so our second kiss came about, and I remember it being just as incredible and world stopping as the first one.

It may have been the effects of the wine or her relief that I'd forgiven her or my relief that she had forgiven herself but that night we did things that if I really had been her teacher, would have caused lawsuits.

The next day when she correctly identified the USS Foster as being a 'destroyer Spruance class' she was so happy that she sneaked away to tell me and kissed me right on the lips and right in this lab that I stand in now. The thought of that kiss happening where I stand here in the present makes it easier somehow to come out of my memories. I sigh and mumble to myself, "Well if Tony has to get back to work I suppose I had better do the same." So I pick up where I had stopped to daydream.


	4. Chapter 4

Author note: This chapter is a bit shorter than the others are but that's because it didn't want to be written. Anyway, I hope it's passable and I have better ideas for chapters to follow. Please if you're reading and you like what you read leave a review, for that matter if you don't like what you read tell me that too but nicely please!

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS but I wish I owned Abby!

There is a defining moment in every relationship when you talk about your past, your family and then the relationship takes on a more solid place in both of your minds. It, in theory, gives a sense of security in the relationship. I don't remember if I ever felt secure when I was with Kate but I do remember the first conversation about my family.

"Tony has been talking about the fact that you're not." I carefully put down the golf club I'd been examining so that I had time to compose my face into something other than a confused expression.

But I still had to ask, damn my curious nature, "That I'm not what?"

"Oh that's a relief! I thought I'd passed on my cold to you."

I was still lost but I grinned at the thought of both the prowess of my immune system and all the kissing we had done that would have put me at risk.

"Oh Tony said I wasn't speaking?"

"He was talking about you and Gibbs signing to each other."

"You mean he was complaining about me and Gibbs signing to each other?"

I remember how Kate chuckled at my 'mischievous eyes', as she called them, as they twinkled at her.

"Yeah I think there was a generally grumpy tone to it. Where did you learn to sign?"

I shrugged, suddenly sheepish on a topic that I usually talked about with pride, "I guess I should say it's my mother tongue."

Kate paused at this, but to her credit only for a moment. "Your mother is deaf? Or your father?"

I smiled at her sensitive tone, "Both actually."

"Wow, that's got to be rare!"

"Yeah I guess so but I never thought it was remarkable until I hit school and I was like 'your parent's can hear?' It goes without saying that the others thought I was weird!"

Kate grinned possibly thinking I would've found some other route to 'weird' if I hadn't been given one at birth. "Was it hard for you growing up sort of in the middle of these two worlds."

With anyone else I would've just said my standard answer that it was fine. I've never wanted pity, as I don't need it. But something in her earnest look and sincere care about my answer made me dig deep for something more honest.

"Sometimes it was hard. I think it was made worse because the teachers tried so hard to help."

"What did they do?" I loved having her enraptured like this but the memories I was probing for her were still sensitive even after all these years.

"Well they gave me extra tuition in speech and spelling. But generally that just pissed me off as it singled me out. They wouldn't have done that if I really had a disability for fear of being sued. But they knew I wasn't going to sue them because I was being discriminated against for my parent's disability not mine. And, well…" I paused before continuing, as I had never expressed this grievance out loud before, "I didn't consider my parent's lack of hearing as being a disability." I ducked my head and waited for her response of indignant confidence in the disabling qualities of being deaf, every hearing person thinks them. I only met her eyes when I felt her forefinger gently lift my chin.

"Of course you don't see it as a disability. Don't feel bad that you see it that way; you've got it right. You're fighting against the arrogance of human nature en masse, people always assume that they are normal and those who are different are 'wrong' in some sense."

I flung myself at her to hug all the love I felt for her, for her understanding.

"Hey aren't you supposed to be clearing this lieutenant's name for his wife and daughter. Are you sure you don't wanna be a lawyer? Because you're acting like it!" I giggled as she swiped at me and left.

As my mind reconnected with the present I signed half for myself and half for her, "I still love you Kate."

I didn't realise someone saw me do it.


	5. Chapter 5

Author Note: Sorry for the long gap between chapters but I'm hoping to get another chapter up in the next 48 hours. I hope you'[re liking the story and if you are please leave a review.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of NCIS

I feel like I'm telling this all wrong I've made it sound like all we did was fight. We did fight quite often. We had a turbulent relationship but we still had fun. Like the time all three of them were away on that aircraft carrier. They had sent me a whole batch of urine samples.

"Nice of them! And it's not even my birthday!"

Ducky chuckled at my sarcasm as he left me to process.

Later on the satellite link I told them what I'd found and as they rushed off presumably to arrest someone I shouted, "What do you want me to do with all this pee?" I didn't get an answer so I decided to get creative.

Later crashed out on Kate's couch, we were talking about nothing very much so there were a few comfortable silences. One such silence was ended by Kate suddenly remembering my earlier question, "Abby what did you do with all that pee?"

I pretended not to have heard her.

"Abby?" She sounded worried, so I looked up at her grinning. A cheeky little grin like a small child who has just broken something.

"Abby what did you do?"

"I made pee-opsicles!"

"Excuse me?!"

"I froze them. With sticks in of course."

"Pee-opsicles? You didn't! Tell me you didn't?!"

I just giggled.

She pushed me in the shoulder so I toppled over. This made me laugh even more. Well her mock annoyed face looked even funnier sideways.

"Abby. Please tell me you didn't!" Then she pounced! At first she was kneeling with a leg either side of my torso. But then she started tickling me. Now this isn't something I ever plan on telling Tony but I am very ticklish especially if you know the right spots. As she tickled I giggled and wriggled and eventually I rolled off the couch. For whatever reason couches are not designed wide enough for that sort of activity. As I hit the floor I felt something hit my front at almost the same time, "Hiya Kate!" Before she could recover from the shock of flying off the sofa I rolled us both over so now I was on top and in control. I cackled and she looked at me defiantly, daring me. I've never been one to refuse a dare. I found her tickly spot in seconds. When I thought I had her at my mercy I stopped to admire my work. This wasn't wise! I grin remembering how this battle raged for at least an hour and at some point, although I doubt either of us knew when exactly, it evolved into something less childish and much more intimate. We didn't however make it into a 'home run' because before we quite got to that part we both fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke up I found her snuggled up against me and I took a minute or six to take in how beautiful she was when she was sleeping, not that I ever thought she wasn't when she was awake, but she was so peaceful. In that sleepy, peaceful morning light I felt the first bubble of hope rising in my chest but at the same time I felt fearful and I right then I didn't understand the fear but I dismissed it as the hope felt so much nicer.

I wish I had taken more notice of my anxious fear; maybe she would have still been with me. But I know she doesn't blame me so I guess I shouldn't blame me either at least I have great memories like this.


	6. Chapter 6 rewritten

Author Note: I know this is sort of the same chapter again, but I decided I didn't like how it ended so I wrote a different ending. I should get a fresh chapter posted soon. Thanks for all the votes of confidence I've had from the readers.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with NCIS.

I still to this day don't know why I did what I did next. I don't know why I did it to her or to him or to me. It certainly didn't do any of us any good. And here I am still trying to battle the repercussions today with her gone and the point lost into the obscurity of time and space.

"Well he asked me!"

"But you didn't have to say yes!"

"Did we ever say this relationship was exclusive? No we didn't did we?"

"Shh someone will hear you."

"So you don't want someone to hear about the relationship that you're so into and obviously so proud of!"

"Okay so I'm scared to be in this relationship 100 but that doesn't mean I want it to end, please Abs." The look she gave me at this point still breaks my heart to this day, it was a combination of all her anger and fear and love all scrambled into one facial expression. I couldn't handle it so I turned away. She took this as a rejection and walked away. I stayed turned away with my eyes shut until I heard her leave my lab. 'I couldn't handle it' kind of sums it up. I think she believed that I was the strong one of the pair, but I had never been in a relationship as intense as that one was and it terrified me.

So when the probie McGee snuck my cell number from Tony's cell and called me up, there was only one answer. I met him for a first date that night and he talked to me about the experience of getting his first tattoo and I told him about some of the cool bits of being a forensic scientist. While I was having dinner with him I actually managed to get Kate out of my head. Which was strange because she'd been in there since I kissed her that very first time. It was pretty good first date and if it had been any other time in my life I would have happily dated McGee for a fairly long time but it wasn't any other time and I was already in love with someone else. So I waited until we were out of the restaurant, kissed McGee goodnight and drove immediately to her house.

She answered the door on my second knock, she tried to look sleepy but I knew she'd been awake. "Have you come to gloat?" Her voice caught in her throat like she was about to cry. She gave me a defiant look that didn't match her wavering voice.

"I'm sorry, but can we talk about it inside?"

"Now who's ashamed?"

"Noo, cold!" I giggled a little partly from nerves and partly to try and lighten the atmosphere, it stayed dark.

As I walked into her house I thought about how barely a week ago I had been snuggled up against her, exposed but safe and loved. And now here she was looking at me like she hated me, I thought I was going to cry. But no, I dismissed the thought because if I started crying I wouldn't stop, and I wouldn't tell her what I needed to so badly. She stood I front of me, staring formidably at me, this must be how she makes suspects confess. I steadied myself and began to bear my soul to her.

"Right. I know you're pissed off at me and you have every right to be. But I don't want you to think that I did this on purpose to hurt you. I swear I didn't! I… I guess I don't really know why I did it." As I thought back to my speech all that time ago in her living room I finally remembered why I did it. "I just… You scare me so much, did you know that?" She frowned at me so I continued, trying to make this rush of emotions make sense, " I got so scared and so I did what I've always done when I get scared. I ran away, now I know you thought that I was the strong one in this relationship but I'm not." I saw her face become hopeful as I used the present tense talking about 'us'. "Okay the thing is I love you. Like I really love you and I've never been in love before, not properly, and truth be told it's terrifying! And well I guess you're still pissed off at me and I should go but I just needed to say that and now I have…" She finally ended my ramble by stepping forward and kissing me gently on the lips. " I am still pissed, but I love you too. But what about McGee?"

"Hmm, I don't know, I don't think it will matter too much. I mean it's not like we have to work with him all the time, maybe only just this once, right?"

"I guess so yeah." She pulled me close and whispered, " I'm so glad I didn't lose you."

I was pulled out of my tear-inducing memories by the distinct feeling that I was being watched. "McGee stop being so creepy and show yourself!"

"Oh." Said a voice right behind me, I turned on the spot and found myself nose-to-nose with McGee. I raised an eyebrow and he stumbled backwards.

"You're lucky Gibbs didn't catch you doing that. What do you want?" I mentally kicked myself, I was being a bitch again and it was only a matter of time before the team realised why.

"Erm, well, you know, well Tony said…. I was wondering if you were okay." He sighed as if relieved that he had managed to say anything. " I mean, well if you want to talk, about anything well you can talk to me."

I thought for a moment on how much more McGee stuttered lately, I wondered over whether it was due to Kate not being around to protect him from DiNozzo or whether it was due to the presence of Ziva. I assume it was more to do with the latter.

"Well actually, there is something I've been meaning to talk to you about. Maybe we could grab a beer later?"

He looked at me in his scrutinising way, not quite a Gibbs stare sort of softer, and then agreed.

As soon as he left my lab I started mentally preparing myself to tell McGee the truth about our relationship, and about Kate. God forgive me, no, Kate forgive me, I'm finally going to tell someone. This could be about to change everything.


	7. Chapter 7

Author Note: A big apology to anyone trying to follow this story because this gap was awfully big but I lost my internet connection for like a month. In saying that I'm going to try to get at least 3 chapters up this weekend, I hope that might make up for it slightly.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with NCIS but I do covet Abby's hippo!

I remember the gentle, sensitive honeymoon period that went on after our first big argument. It was a roller coaster of emotion because although we were both so romantic with each other, the fear of offending each other was constant. I smiled to myself remembering one particular offence, it wasn't funny then but it is in retrospect.

"Hey, I'm back."

"How was Guantanamo? So they let you leave?" I grinned at her as I spun on my chair.

"It was good, was interesting competing with the local NCIS agent. Tony got on with her better then me… funny that."

"Hee hee, did Tony make a new friend?"

Kate raised her eyebrow, "Well he was sleeping in the nude."

My jaw dropped. "He was completely naked!?"

"Yeah, it was really hot!"

At this point I thought my jaw would fall off, or that I would cry so I turned away and tried to act really busy, which was a bit difficult when my desk was clear of evidence.

"Hey, what's wrong? What did I say?"

I gathered my strength and turned back around, "Nothing, I'm fine."

She looked at me curiously and slipped her hand into mine, "No you're not, now what is it?" With her staring at me I couldn't lie, but I could barely bring myself to say it.

"You really find Tony attractive?"

"Huh?"

"You said he was naked and you said it was hot!" I felt panicky now as if she would deny it or accuse me of being overly sensitive.

"Abby…" I now know that Kate's silence was in disbelief but then it terrified me.

And then her cell phone rang. "Yeah, okay I'll be right up."

She looked at me, sighed and left.

I went home when my shift ended, for once, so that she couldn't come back and tell me what I didn't want to hear.

However Caitlin Todd was never one to give up easily, so when my phone started ringing I had a sneaking suspicion whose voice I was about to hear. Then again life is full of surprises, "Hello?"

"Ha ha, ha ha ha!"

"What the… who is this?"

"I'm, ha ha, sorry." More giggling and snickering.

"Kate? Is that you?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, ha ha ha, I can't stop!"

"What's made you laugh so much?"

"Well, I was thinking about what I was going to say to you while the phone was ringing and I started myself off."

"But why?" I should have seen this coming but feeling afraid kind of messes up your perspective.

"You don't know…? You thought I thought Tony was hot?!" I braced myself as Kate started laughing again.

"But you said that. You said he was naked and then you said it was hot!"

And finally Kate composed herself long enough to give me an answer. "I meant it as a reason not as a compliment to him. The weather was scorching!"

"You… you meant the temperature?"

"Yeah and I'm sorry for laughing so much but the thought that I'd find Tony attractive…"

"Well it's not that weird, is it?"

"It is when I have such a beautiful, no, such a hot girlfriend to look at when I'm at work. Why would I be admiring Tony when you're there?"

I giggled and decided to push it just a little bit, "Well what about when I'm toiling away in my lab, do you admire Tony then?"

I heard my sweetheart start laughing again, "Of course not! Because then I just look at you in my head, and remember and, seriously I have to stop doing that though because he keeps asking me why I'm blushing!"

Then I started laughing along with her, which felt really good. It felt great to hear her call me her girlfriend; it made me feel warm and safe. Yet again I had that sudden fear so much so I remember I hung up.

I ignored the fear again, I did every time it reared it's ugly head. I pushed it away again and again until it was too late. At the thought of this and all the happiness I've lost I start to cry. I manage to make myself stop before Gibbs appears in my lab, but when he made a joke and I don't even smile he knows something is wrong.

"Hey." He pushes my hair out of my face, "What's up?" The look of concern on his face is heart breaking, but I still couldn't be truthful to him.

"Oh, just you know, having a bad day." I shrug and walk away from him.

"You're not going to tell me what's wrong?"

I shake my head and close my eyes, I don't want him to see the pain trapped there inside of them.

"That's okay. You don't have to talk, don't even have to look at me." I hear him whisper as he wraps me in a tight hug and lets me shake loose the last few tears I have left in me before I dehydrate. And then he hands me a Caf-Pow, kisses me on the cheek and whispers, "Back to work, need those answers soon."


	8. Chapter 8

Author Note: A slight break from the pattern with this chapter, it is based in Season 3 episode 9 'Frame Up'. So obviously spoilers for that episode and no flashback in this chapter. I plan to return to form in the next chapter but I liked this opportunity too much to miss it out.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with NCIS but I do covet Abby's hippo!

'Oh Kate I'm so tired, I mean I was tired before he started chasing me but now I'm exhausted. I don't even know why I'm still fighting him off, I mean if I give in I'll get you back right? Or more precisely you would get me back, so I should just give up, I mean getting your throat slashed it isn't the worst way to die... but I guess I wouldn't know. After all I've never died!'

I pushed him off and crawled away behind by desk. I should get to my phone, call Gibbs. I'm crawling towards my cellphone, it dropped to the ground the first time he floored me. I'm almost within arm's length of it when he grabs my legs and pulls me so my arms fall out from under me, my chin hits the floor and stars burst into my field of vision. I'm so stunned that I don't react when he flips me over onto my back and kneels over me. I only really come to my senses when he presses his knife against my throat, 'Kate! What do I do, Kate? Help me, oh I'm so tired Kate, so tired, tell me what to do Kate, am I supposed to keep fighting or do I give in?'

"Abby!" I took this to be my answer. I pushed him off me and in the process cut my hand on the blade, but I knew I couldn't give up now. I pushed him away from me and scooped up the duct tape. I don't really remember tying him up, but when Gibbs ran in Chip was tied up on the floor, I don't think I was really conscious. McGee told me later that I spoke to the director but I don't remember any of their voices or my own. Just her voice saying over and over again, 'You're okay now, it's not your time yet, you're okay now...'

"Abby?" Gibbs grounded me again by taking my hand, fortunately not the injured one.

"Huh? Oh hey Gibbs."

I remember Ducky cleaning and bandaging my hand, DiNozzo and Ziva arguing over whether I was in shock or just very tired. McGee went to put in his opinion when Gibbs silenced them by saying, "Do any of you realise that she can hear you?"

He took me home after that, I thought he would either leave quickly to let me rest or insist on staying the whole night to look after me, as it happens he did neither of these.

We sat down on my couch and for a short, strange moment I could smell Kate's perfume. I looked up to see Gibbs looking confused, "Not exactly the smell of sawdust, was it?" That was when I started to cry.

For the second time in two weeks Gibbs held me while I cried into his shoulder, I don't know how long I cried for, maybe for hours or only minutes, but I must have fallen asleep in doing so because when I woke up I was tucked up in bed and Gibbs was gone. I didn't know whether to feel relieved or disappointed, so I settled for a little of both.


	9. Chapter 9

Author Note: Back to the usual format for this chapter, this is based on Episode 9 'Dead Man Talking'. And a big thank you to Aliengirla for her very kind review, it absolutely made my day! So on the same theme please give me reviews or I'll set my giant dust bunnies onto you! ... Just kidding but reviews make me happy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with NCIS but I do covet Abby's hippo!

After a while Kate and me settled into a comfortable happy routine where on Friday nights we stayed at my place and Saturday nights were spent at her place. This isn't to say that our relationship became boring, just the opposite really, the more time I spent with her the more excited and involved I got about the relationship. Although some nights were almost like living in a Sitcom.

I jumped as I heard my front door open and ran from the kitchen, where I had been pacing back and forth, to see Kate walk in looking slightly abashed.

"Where have you been? You're like two hours late!"

"I'm sorry, were you worried?" She grinned a little at my flustered state.

"Yes I was worried! You're always on time!"

She wrapped her arms around me, possibly to stop me from shouting any more, and giggled, "Yeah, well usually I have my PDA to remind me when I'm meant to be where."

I looked up at her puzzled, "What happened to your PDA?"

"Oh I didn't tell you? It's been a busy few days with this case. Well, you know that Gibbs took me and Tony out to the shooting range for target practice, right?"

"Yeah." I allowed her to keep talking as I led her over to the couch and curled up next to her.

"Gibbs being Gibbs, he attached my PDA to the target covering the face of the 'hostage', and well no-one's aim isn't that perfect!"

"Gibbs's aim probably is, but then again he was a sniper so that's sort of cheating. Oh, so is that what happened to Tony's NCIS cap too?"

"Yeah… I thought he was going to cry; he was cradling it in his arms on the drive back. It's a bit worrying how emotionally attached he was to that cap!"

I giggled and replied, "Like in your caricature of him, that was so cool!"

She smiled modestly, "They weren't much, just quick doodles really. Did you really like yours?"

"Of course, like I said when I saw it, it rocks! Oh, what was on the next sheet of paper? Was it a caricature of Gibbs?"

Kate blushed and ducked her head, "Erm no… no it wasn't one of Gibbs." She sat very still for about a minute, apparently holding her breath.

I found this hilarious. So I put on a sultry voice and asked, "Was it a naughty drawing?" and then burst out laughing. She looked up at me smiling, waited for me to finish laughing and then very quietly responded, "Yes."

I looked up at her in surprise, "Can I see it?" I asked this in a whisper as I suddenly felt like this was a secret, special moment.

Kate looked deep in thought for a moment and then got up and walked out the front door.

I sat looking baffled for a moment, until she re-appeared holding her sketchbook and her car keys. She held it out to me tentatively with a nervous smile on her face.

I opened the cover and flicked past the pictures I had seen the previous day and then carefully turned the page. I was absolutely blown away by what I saw.

The entire page was filled with colour and it was of me, which seriously inflated my ego, but this drawing couldn't have been more different from the vampire bat cartoon. For a start the picture I was looking at was obviously not a 'quick doodle', it seemed to radiate passion and love. It was a full-length portrait of me with my hair loose and flowing and the slight fictional allowance of fangs. The entire background was shaded in with varying shades of deep purple, my skin (in the drawing) was a radiant but pale flesh tone and my hair despite being black somehow seemed to shine. I became more amazed at the detail as I let my eyes explore the drawing.

"So?" I hadn't realised Kate was still nervously awaiting some response from me!

"This is amazing!"

"Really?"

I nodded, the picture seemed to interfere with my ability to speak, "Kate, one question, why am I naked?"

Kate snickered and looked me straight in the eye and said, "Well you're so beautiful when you look sort of post-coital and ruffled. And after our first time doing, well you know," She blushed at her inability to verbalise our night time activities, "And you walked around completely naked and with such confidence and grace that the image was permanently fixed in my mind and well I had to draw it so I could think straight!"

I paused to take in her slightly rambling explanation and grinned at her.

"Thank you, I don't think anyone has ever thought of me as highly as you do or thought me to be so beautiful!" I blinked back a few tears and then grinned like The Cheshire Cat, "Wanna go get some more post-coital images in your head?"

Kate laughed and sighed dramatically, "What us artists must suffer for our art?!" She then grabbed my wrist and dragged me off towards the bedroom.

"Abby? Are you okay, you look brushed… no, erm flushed, yes?" I tried so hard not to laugh at Ziva's continuing battle with the English language, so I raised my hand to feel my cheek (and hide my grin) and then nodded.

"Yes flushed. But I'm fine, just too much caffeine probably."

"Are you sure? I have found you like this a lot, sort of day dreaming, yes?"

"Yeah, I guess I've just got something on my mind. But I'm okay, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it to Gibbs."

"Certainly, as the director says 'What Gibbs doesn't know can't hurt us!'"

I smiled at her and started to explain the results of the analysis I had performed on the white residue recovered from the crime scene.


	10. Chapter 10

Author note: I am really really sorry that this chapter took so long to write. My muse seemed to go on an extended vacation and has just recently returned. I have another chapter almost finished (which is also a lot longer than this). This chapter is based on episode 10 of season 1. I hope to have the next chapter up tomorrow.

I pride myself in having been there in some of her darkest hours as she was for mine. What made our hours dark was often very different and from my more mature stance now I'm amazed she didn't laugh at me. One of her darkest times was having her trust broken by a victim she had befriended.

I remember walking into her bedroom, holding the ice cream I'd had been fetching, to see her curled over, shaking. "Kate?"

She looked up at me with tears pouring down her face, pain written over her face.

I put the ice cream down and gently sat down next to her. When I laid my arm across her shoulders I was shaken by how small and fragile she seemed.

I thought for a while of what I should say to her, I held her tightly as she shook with tears. How could I comfort her when this woman had been betrayed and taken in by what she thought was a suffering victim and was actually scheming woman who almost took Kate out with her?

My silence grew longer as I debated with myself with what would be best to say to my tormented girlfriend. I wanted to comfort and reassure her but I couldn't figure out a way to do that without patronising her or making her seem at fault.

After a while she seemed to stop crying but remained very still her breathing evening out to the point where I thought she'd fallen asleep. Apparently she thought I was the one who had fallen asleep. "Abby?"

I squeezed her hand and answered, "I thought you were asleep."

"You're very quiet."

"Mm, yeah I've been thinking."

Another silence followed, but a warmer silence.

"The ice cream is melting." She raised this concern in such a detached voice it actually made me shiver a little.

"Well we could eat it or…"

Kate let out the slightest giggle.

"Hey! I wasn't gonna suggest that! I only got it out of the fridge because I thought you might like some." I scooped up a small amount of the melting ice cream and ran it around my mouth. I pulled Kate towards me and kissed her just as I swallowed the ice cream. She lent into me and gave the slightest happy moan then I pulled away. She looked confused and upset when I crawled out of bed.

She still had a questioning look on her face when I returned from the kitchen. "What? I don't want the ice cream to melt all over your nightstand!" I crawled back under the blanket and curled myself around her.

"I was trying to think of the perfect thing to say to comfort you but I should've known better. Words are just sounds, it's the meaning behind them that counts."

I remember the rush of emotion I felt when she responded saying, "And you being here with me means everything."

So I was there for her then and it gives me hope. Still to this day it gives me hope, I'm not sure what my heart is hoping for, but this memory always makes me hopeful.


	11. Chapter 11

Author note: Hi folks I have two chapters to post tonight! I hope that makes up for the big gaps some what. This chapter is based on the episode 'Eye Spy' of season 1.

The main event that endeared Ziva to me was that night she invited us all round for dinner, except Tony of course! I don't think she realised what that night would mean to me, she was simply trying to get to know the people she was working with a little better. She must have detected the rather dramatic change in my behaviour towards her from that night, although I still gave her a hard time in front of the others. It was all because she liked to cook. It was that realisation that made her seem less like Kate's replacement and more like someone Kate would've been friends with.

"So he was just a boy toy?"

"Yes he was just a boy toy, jeez even Gibbs got this faster than you!" I poked hr gently between the ribs and ran away giggling.

"Cheeky, hey while you're over there pick up some garlic."

I returned garlic in hand and kissed her before I relinquished the garlic. "Can I help? How can I help? I can stir!"

Kate laughed at me bouncing around the kitchen and then shooed me away from the stove. "You can help by keeping out of the kitchen until your last CafPow of the day has worn off, otherwise you'll spill the bolognaise sauce all over you." She paused for a moment as she stirred said sauce, "And then I would just have to eat you!" She came closer and quickly grabbed my hand and started nibbling my fingertips.

"Hey! Give those back. I need them to type with!" So I ran, still giggling, out of the kitchen. I went about setting the table and doing a little tidying around her living room as it always got a little disorganised when she was working a hot case and I knew disorder stressed her out. I sat down wondering that if disorder stressed her out, how come I didn't stress her out, especially when I'm on the peak of a caffeine high? Maybe I did stress her out. That thought sobered me up instantly! I walked slowly back to the kitchen and watched her from the door for a while, she was hard at work on our dinner so didn't even notice me at first. Watching her cook was almost like watching a perfectly choreographed musical. She moved with such grace and always seemed in motion although never rushing. During one of these 'dance moves' she spun round so she was facing the door and grinned at me.

"Hey. I'm unCaf-Powed now, can I come in?"

"Of course. You can drain the spaghetti for me." It wasn't a request or an order; the way we spoke to each other was often so strange that it can't be described properly. I can't describe it now; all I can do is remember it.

She pulled me out of the reverie I had been in while watching the starchy water flow down the drain by saying, "Oh yeah I think I may have given us away to Gibbs and Tony today." I slowly raised the pan and turned to look at her, as although when we started dating I assured her that there was nothing wrong with the others knowing, her paranoia had become slightly infectious.

"They know? Did you just tell them?" I started to feel left out until she reassured me.

"No! Honey, if I was going to actually tell them you would have to be at my side to hold me up! It's more suspicions."

I passed the pan of spaghetti to her so that she could serve the meal and asked, "But what caused the suspicions?"

"Well, I think Tony might have been joking but… well we were talking about the case and as you know we were looking for a left-handed killer." Kate dished out the bolognaise sauce onto each plate, handed one to me and walked towards the dining room, carrying her own plate, and still talking. "And Gibbs had pointed out that the wife of the victim had left-handed golf clubs so after the initial shock of how Gibbs could have known that from just a quick look, I started to argue that just because she plays golf left-handed it doesn't mean that she actually is left-handed. I pointed out that I play sports left-handed but generally I'm right-handed."

My mind was spinning trying to figure out how this related back to us, "And?"

"Well then Tony responded 'so you go both ways?' and I scowled at him!"

I laughed finished my mouthful of pasta, which took a while as my manners were never as dainty as hers, took hold of her hand and answered, "That's just Tony's mind it never fully pulls out of 'sex station'. I wouldn't worry about it and I really doubt that Gibbs will take any notice." I smiled at her to reinforce my reassurances.

"I suppose," She didn't look convinced, "But the Gibbs thing was different, and thankfully more subtle." She looked uneasy for a minute and then decided to attack her dinner with a ferocity that brought her manners down to my level.

I waited until we were lounging on the couch together after dinner to raise the subject again. "So how come Gibbs knows about us?"

Kate raised an eyebrow as she tried not to spit out her wine from the shock of my sudden revival of the subject. "Well we were on a stake out and…"

"Whoa, how long ago was this?!"

"Today, why?"

"Well you guys weren't gone that long!"

"Oh well it was a very short stake out. Gibbs was saying about how we could spot this guy because he would look 'a bit geeky' and I went off into a daydream about Robert Redford . Well you're sort of the only geek I know and I was getting all hot and steamy and…"

Kate stopped talking because I had started giggling.

"But the look he gave me when we got back in the car, so startled and suspicious."

"Hmm, he might be suspicious about us. But if anyone around the office was to know I'd want it to be him."

Kate hesitated still feeling so afraid of being exposed.

"He wouldn't tell anyone, and if you want I can have a quiet word with him. You know confirm his suspicions in way that doesn't cause all hell to brake loose."

I smiled at her as she slowly nodded. She began to look like she might throw up so I shuffled closer to her on the couch and held her.

"I know what we are isn't wrong, I do know that hun… Its just… I already lost one job because of who I was dating, I couldn't bear to lose this job and lose all of the team."

"You won't. Gibbs can't fire you for dating me, because I'm not an agent and plus it would have to go through the director first. And you would never lose me."

It didn't occur to me at the time that I might be the one left alone, that I might lose her. My head still full of her I was startled when my phone started ringing. The irony of my life strikes me so hard sometimes. The phone call, it was Ziva inviting me to her place for dinner again!


	12. Chapter 12

Author note: 2nd chapter in one night! Look at me go. This one is based on episode 12 of season 1, 'My Other Left Foot'.

Disclaimer: As ever I do not own anything to do with NCIS except my own copies of the DVD box sets... (daydreams about buying the next one)

As I sit waiting for Major Mass Spec to tell me what that fine white powder is my mind naturally drifts off in its own direction. Unfortunately the direction it chose to take was remembering sitting in my lab, in tears, after hearing the news about Kate. I remember the strange conversation I had in my head with her, only to have DiNozzo walk in to find me giggling to myself.

I decided this was not a train of thought I wanted to follow, so I redirected it to when Kate got her tattoo on her ass.

"You told him!?"

I looked up startled as Kate came storming into my lab, guns blazing. Well, not really!

"I told who what?" I was trying to take her seriously but when she was mad it almost always made me giggle. As I thought that a song started playing on my CD player that made matters a lot worse and I began to giggle quietly.

"You told DiNozzo about my tattoo!"

"Oh yeah. We had a good chat about it. I told him the whole story and about how frustrated I was because we couldn't have sex until it healed." I raised an eyebrow because as I said this Kate's expression clouded with confusion and uncertainty. "Kate!" I pulled her into a hug and shook my head in disbelief.

"You didn't tell him..? But he said..?"

I smiled at her before explaining, "He asked me if I knew where your tattoo was, and I said that I did, smiled at him and left."

She blinked and sucked in a massive breath.

"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin?" I loved teasing her and thankfully she loved to be teased.

She laughed so forcefully she lost all the breath she had sucked in. She pulled me close, looked over her shoulder, and kissed me gently. Then whispered, "Now you do realise you have DiNozzo's mind working overtime, right?"

"Yeah, but even with his vivid imagination he's never gonna guess this one."

"Hmm yeah… when I let it slip about my tattoo I had to tell him I was drunk when I'd had it done."

"Heehee, what did he say to that?"

"He said he couldn't imagine me drunk."

"Oh could I tell him a story or two!" I looked up to see a defiant look on Kate's face, "Do you think I wouldn't tell him… cos that expression there is as good as daring me to, you know that right?"

"You won't!"

"Oh really?"

"Well, because you have now revealed to me your devious scheme for world domination I can foil you. Haven't you ever watched any James Bond movies?" Kate laughed as my face fell and I pouted. She gave me another quick peck on the cheek and walked out of my lab, still laughing to herself.

I remember sulking for a further few minutes until Gibbs walked into my lab, with a Caf-Pow. "Hiya Gibbs." As he smiled at my enthusiasm (for his appearance or the caffeine is debatable) a new scheme unfurled in my mind like a rose.

"There you are, Abs. Drink up, I need those results yesterday."

"Oh! Gibbs! Wait!" He'd walked to leave her lab, but my dastardly scheme needed his help.

"Yeah?"

"You like the guys to think you're omniscient, right?" He gave the slightest of nods to tell me to continue. "Well how would you like me to give you the slightest of information about Kate so you can mess with her head and Tony's head at the same time?"

A slow smile spread over Gibbs face for a moment but then it stopped and he crinkled his brow, "Have you and Kate had a fight?"

This comment made me squirm for a moment, before I realise that he was referring to our friendship and nothing else. "Oh no we haven't. I just like to tease her." I flashed my grin at Gibbs. He chuckled.

"So what do I need to know?"

"Well she has a tattoo. And Tony keeps guessing what it is."

"So you figure that when I'm in earshot of this I should correct him?"

"Yeah! Well you don't even need to know what it is, because I think it may be a bit too much information for you, just what it's not."

"Well okay, is it a flower?"

"Nope."

"A heart?"

"No."

"A bird?"

"No."

"A… Abs, this is going to take forever, isn't it?"

"Okay but I'll sign it to you, in case Tony walks in."

Gibbs frowned, as even though he knew what I signed to him it didn't make much sense to him.

"But why a…?"

"Ah stop!" I laughed at him almost physically screeching to a halt, "I agreed to tell you what not why!"

"True. I will try and slip this into Tony's guesses, and see if I can do this when you're present."

"Yay! Thanks Gibbs!" I ran back to my desk for a victory sip of my Caf-Pow.

"Now get some work done." Gibbs tried to give me a serious 'Gibbs-stare' but smiled halfway through.

I still remember the look of total shock on Kate's face when Gibbs implemented our plan later. Her desperately trying to convince Tony that Gibbs hadn't seen her tattoo especially since she had caved earlier and admitted to Tony that the tattoo in question was on her ass. I smiled to myself at the look on her face as she turned to face me and realised I had foiled her instead of the other way round.

"What's that smile for? You find something?" I jumped as I realised Gibbs was directly in front of me. "Sorry did I frighten you?"

"Gibbs! I've told you before, do not sneak up on me!"

"Well Abs it's hardly sneaking when you're facing me!"

"Hmm true." I jumped up to check on the Mass Spec and found a print out of the results waiting for me. "Positive for cocaine."

"Good, that's something else to haul him in on." Gibbs paused for a moment and gave me an intense look. "What were you thinking about as I came in? You seem to be off in your own thoughts so much these days."

I thought for almost a whole minute, and then decided that he deserved to know what was going on. "I was thinking about Kate, or more specifically her tattoo."

Gibbs seemed to hesitate for a moment before answering, "Yeah, I saw you signing to yourself a few weeks back."

I stood there, mortified, unable to respond to him. Fortunately he seemed to realise the effect of what he'd said and drew the conversation back onto safe ground, "So why did Kate have a tattoo of a crossbow on her ass?"

I giggled at how Gibbs asked this in a calm, conversational tone. I wiped the single tear that had escaped my eye off my face and hesitated.

"I don't think she's going to mind now Abby."

I realised he was right so I answered simply, "It was to symbolise her first meeting with me, in my telling her that I'd show her my tattoos if she would show me her guns. And to symbolise her faith."

Gibbs frowned as he put this together. As he shook his head I realised he needed more prompting. I smiled as a said "A crossbow is cross-shaped." Gibbs smiled at this rather obvious remark.

"Right, and a crossbow is a weapon like a gun."

"Yeah."

Gibbs nodded and we were silent for a while each lost in our thoughts. "Are you going to be okay Abs? I know she meant a lot to you and it always takes time to get over losing someone you care about, but you will get over her death won't you?"

I was shocked by that question. My only thought was 'Wow! I must've been acting really weird to worry Gibbs this much!'

I recovered from my shock in time to respond, "Yeah, I don't know when, but I will… eventually." I looked up at Gibbs to see if this was an adequate response and found him hugging me. I smiled as I collapsed into his embrace, the moment only disturbed by the appearance of the rest of the team and DiNozzo's mock outrage, "How come I never get a bear hug?!"

I looked up to see Ziva looked baffled at his choice of expression, DiNozzo grinning and McGee trying hard to avoid my gaze.

"You get head slaps instead Tony, be grateful for what you get! Come on, Abby got us enough to arrest this guy."

As the team left McGee gave me one last peculiar look and then he left too.


	13. Chapter 13

Author note: This chapter is based on episode 13 of season 1, 'One Shot, One Kill'.

Disclaimer: As ever I do not own anything to do with NCIS except my own copies of the DVD box sets

I sat sipping at my beer while McGee stared at me. I smiled at him, "Are you sure you wanna hear this?"

He looked at me with that deep stare of his and sighed, "It's still going to take some getting used to but even if I didn't want to hear it you need to tell it."

I smiled and nodded my head that is why I'm friends with McGee he wants to help me even if it makes him feel uncomfortable. To be honest it makes me feel uncomfortable too, it makes me worry what Caitlin would think. I shake myself mentally, Kate isn't here any more and I need to talk about her and about our time together if I'm going to be able to move on. "Well there was this one time after the case where the sniper was targeting Marine recruiters..."

"Hey Kate!" I left off my couch as she picked up her phone.

"Hiya Abby, wait did we have plans tonight?"

"Erm, no but I was thinking... well I guess I was wondering... Do you still..."

I stopped as I heard Kate start to giggle at me. It was a rare occasion when I minced my words. I took a deep breath and forced out, "Do you still have your captain's uniform?"

There was a slight pause before Kate responded, "Yeah, why?"

"Well you look really cute in it... and you know I love a guy in uniform, so you in uniform." I broke off as I started giggling.

"Oh! Well I think I should come round to your place, don't you?" I managed to respond that I agreed.

So later that night I was stood against my bedroom wall staring at my Caitlin in full uniform, grinning at me from across the room.

"You know, when you suggested this idea I kinda thought there might be more closeness, even some touching!" She teased me with a mock astonished voice.

I tried to respond with some sassy comment but all I managed to accomplish was to blink at her. I was immobilised by the thought that she would do this for me. Even my thoughts were brought to a grinding halt by her beauty, not simply because of the uniform but the twinkle in her eye and the cheeky expression floating flitting on and off her face. A sudden look of surprise and delight appeared on her face, she knew she had me powerless.

She stepped towards me and started to very slowly unbutton her shirt and pulled off her tie. She stepped close enough to drape the tie around my neck, and I gave an involuntary shiver.

She giggled softly and gave me a penetrating stare as she finished unbuttoning the shirt and slid it off her shoulders. I watched the cloth lightly cling to her skin at her delicate curves and then fall away to the floor. She stepped closer again, within a foot of me, so I could feel her breath on my face. I blinked rapidly as she reached over and pulled my T-shirt off, she let it linger against my left arm and dragged it against my skin. I started to tremble. She took my hand led me over to the bed and stood over me. "You want more?"

I nodded mutely and she unzipped her skirt. She sat on my lap and reached backwards towards her bra fastening...

"Abby!" I was startled out of my story by the screechy sound of McGee's shout.

"What?" I looked around dazed to see McGee bright red in the face and staring at me incredulously.

"Abs, I said we could talk about your relationship but that... well that, that was..."

"What?!" I suddenly felt so angry at myself more than McGee but I felt the need to defend her, "Do you have a problem with sex... hmm you didn't when we had sex so maybe its a problem with me and Kate, is that it huh?"

McGee blinked and cleared his throat, obviously startled by my outburst, "No. Abby I don't have a problem with what you had with Kate. What I was going to say was that what you were telling me was pretty personal and probably none of my business."

"Oh." I couldn't meet his eye so I drank some of my beer.

"And at one point you looked like you were going to cry, so I thought I should stop you."

"Oh. Okay." I flicked a look up at his eyes which were full of concern. "Sorry, for before."

He walked across the room and sat down next to me, pulled me into a hug and said, "That's okay. So have you got any tamer stories you can tell me?"

I giggled and drank the rest of my beer.


	14. Chapter 14

Author Note: Based on episode 14 of season 1, 'The Good Samaritan' . Sorry it's taken so long to publish this. This episode/chapter gave me so much trouble I considered skipping it! But there will be at least one more chapter up by the end of the day.

"Twins?"

Kate nodded slowly looking tired, she often did after a case was wrapped up .

"So that's why her DNA matched even though she had an alibi!"

Kate nodded again but she looked lost in thought. I waited for her to speak and pushed away my general sense of unease, I often felt it when I was near her.

"Kate?" I snuggled closer to her to keep at bay the dark mist that lingered on the edges of my mind.

"Sorry." She smiled at me fleetingly "I was a twin, you know?"

"What? Wow!... Wait, you were?"

Kate nodded again and stared down at her feet, "She was still-born, that's... I guess that's why I often feel... well I sometimes feel like nobody understands me..."

"Well..." I tried to speak but she interrupted me

"I know that we are never truly known but I feel cheated, like my twin would've. It," she sighed, "has made me feel so lonely over the years," She finally raised her eyes and looked at me, "That's why I'm so glad I'm with you, you take away my loneliness."

And she smiled at me so sweetly I couldn't resist kissing her.

I pulled her hand inbetween my own and into my lap. I looked deep into her eyes, trying to express all the love and understanding that lay in my heart, reserved for her.

Kate giggled, "You look like you're about to explode!"

I frowned slightly, "Sometimes, when you grew up signing instead of speaking its hard to find the words to say." I dropped my head so that my hair hid my face, as I had felt my cheeks burn.

Kate squeezed my hand, "Abs, don't hide from me." She brushed the hair away from my left side and placed her hand gently on my cheek. With her thumb brushing at my cheek, I looked up, to my surprise her eyes were full of all the raw passion, emotion and love that were in my own. I smiled at her.

"Can you think of a better way to express yourself than with words?" Kate's face had morphed into a mock innocent expression. At this point I had only just learnt what this face meant, and I have to admit, I liked it!

"Why, yes I can! What is it they say? 'Actions speak louder than words' ?" I grinned as she stood and tugged me towards the bedroom.


	15. Chapter 15

Author Note: Based on the episode 'Enigma' Episode 15 of season 1. Enjoy.

"Okay. I've got a tamer story for you. This was before you joined the team properly."

"Okay, want another beer before you start?"

"Now you mention it, yeah!" I cringed a little at my enthusiasm, but McGee just laughed at me and wandered towards the bar. I sat wondering if the beer was liquid courage for me or an attempt to make him forget what I tell him. He returned with two bottles of Bud Light. I took a sip, "You know Timmy, DiNozzo is right we have to teach you to drink real beer!"

McGee smiled calmly at me, took a sip of his own beer and asked, "So, you were going to tell me a story?"

"Yeah well..."

"Abs! Psst! Abs!" I spun round on my chair to find the source of the voice and promptly fell off, "Too much caffeine." I muttered to myself from my new location on the floor. Kate ran forward to help me up, I gave her one of our secret smiles. DiNozzo followed her into my lab looking furtive.

"Abs he's not down here is he?"

"Who?"

"Gibbs!"

I looked curiously at them both, something was going on. Kate looked troubled and a bit lost. DiNozzo looked anxious and just a little excited.

"What's going on guys?"

Tony turned to Kate, "Maybe the less people involved, the better. You know what he's like."

"Well, no I don't know what he's like. But Abby does, surely that's the point?"

"Hey! I'm standing right here! What' going on?"

Kate looked at me and as ever something electric passed between our eyes and she relented, "Gibbs is in trouble."

"We think, it's kinda hard to tell." Tony added.

"Riiight. What do you know?"

"Well you remember Fornell, right?" Tony asked with a smirk.

"The FBI... Yeah I remember him."

"Well he's upstairs right now, seriously pissed at Gibbs, last night he had him followed and he's threatened to have him arrested as an accessory to murder!"

Kate frowned, "He wouldn't even tell us where he was going."

"Well maybe it was personal, he's a very private person." I smiled as I responded, realising that I was telling them what they already knew.

"No. He said that he was tracking down another lead." Tony contradicted me and I felt Kate edge closer protectively.

"Why can't it be both? I mean he obviously knew this colonel we've been looking for." There was a moments pause, I thought about the how intertwined my personal and work life was.

"Well either way he's in trouble." Tony stated sounding more confident.

"I'll help. What do you need?"

They both looked flummoxed for a moment and then quietly Kate said, "Ducky told us we need to let him know that he's not alone in his convictions."

"And I guess you do agree with his convictions or you wouldn't be here, right?"

Tony nodded, "Gibbs is an excellent judge of character."

Kate hesitated, nodded, and looked at me for reassurance. My heart went out to her, so new at NCIS and already having to decide where her loyalties lay.

I looked at Kate for a moment longer hoping to allay her fears.

"Well Ducky is right. But I guess the issue is finding a way to show Gibbs that we do believe in him." I thought for a moment, sat back on my chair and span absent-mindedly, until, "Ooh!"

The two of them looked at me, in a slightly startled manner, but I could tell that Kate was also hiding a grin.

"We have to help him solve the case!" I stated excitedly.

"Yeah but Abs, we don't know what's going on, he isn't telling us. So how can we do that?"

Kate looked thoughtful for a moment and then added, "We need to give him something he needs, something he can't figure out alone. Something that you can tell him." Kate smiled at me, and nodded towards my computers.

"Yeah, I've got something I can tell him but we need more than just that, we need to know something about what he's up to."

"How...?" Tony started but I interrupted him. "His cell phone. I bet he doesn't know how to delete the call and message history. There could be something there."

Tony suddenly had a manic mischievous grin on his face and whispered, "Leave it to me." before exiting my lab in a style akin to 'Mission Impossible'.

I laughed at him and then turned to Kate who still looked a little troubled. I tried to find the words to reassure her that we were doing the right thing but before I'd thought it through she lent over, held my hand for a fraction of a second, kissed me gently on the cheek and whispered, "Thank you." By the time I looked up she too was gone from my lab.

I took a sip of my beer and waited to hear McGee's response to my tale. He looked deep in thought and raised his head slowly to look at me, "You don't need my approval, but I will say..." He looked puzzled for a moment then continued, "When we dated, briefly, I always did wonder... I knew there was someone else in there." He pointed first to my chest and then to my head. "But by telling these stories, these memories... I worry you're trying to evict her from your heart and mind."

I thought carefully about his words and replied, "No. I'm not trying to get rid of her, just trying to get all my thoughts in order... file the memories away safely so I can find them again when I need to." I smiled at him as I'd not really thought about why I was doing this.

"A very logical way to grieve. But Abby, remember grief is not rational and logical."

"You know McGee, sometimes you can be very insightful."

I watched him stand up and quickly say, "Need to pee."

And as he left I muttered, "And then there's the rest of the time!"


	16. Chapter 16

Author Note: Another chapter for you guys, and seriously bless any of you that are still reading as I know this is probably the slowest story in the world. But I am still writing it and I swear one day I will finish it! Thanks for reading.

Disclaimer: I just borrow the characters I don't own anything!

As much as I'm glad McGee is willing to share this experience with me, there are some memories I can't tell him, some I won't! He was still in the bathroom, I chuckled to myself about his 'lightweight' status and let my mind drift back to my next memory.

I ran forward just before the lift door closed, "I've got to get down there!" The man nodded and let me in. As soon as the doors opened on Ducky's floor I was out and running into autopsy, my previous fears were nothing compared with what I was imagining. Ducky tried to stop me, he didn't want me to see, the scene processed very slowly through my mind, blood on the floor, on the table too. Kate is on the table, lying very still, so very pale, too pale!

"I'm so sorry Abs!" Gibbs is speaking to me but I barely hear him, I walk up to the table and her beautiful eyes are open and yet blank. "Kate? No!" The pain hits me and I scream!

"Whoa! Abby! Calm down, hey hey, it's okay." Kate is holding me in her arms and trying to stop me from fighting her.

I frown, take in my surroundings and realise, I'm at home, in bed with Kate.

"Nightmare?" She asks looking concerned.

I nod silently, "It was so real." My voice cracks a little and I shake my head trying to rid it of the horrifying image.

"About Autopsy?"

I nod then shake my head.

Kate hugs me tighter and waits for me to calm down. She knows that sometimes I just can't find the words, and the silence is better.

I took some deep breaths to calm myself, looked up at her and with all my heart I said, "I'm so sorry!" Then I started to cry.

Kate tensed up, she had rarely seen me upset.

After a moment she held me out at arm's length, tilted my head up so that I was looking into her beautiful eyes, even in the semi-darkness I could see their sparkle. "You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all!"

"But he could have killed you! And I should've been down there not you and..." Thats when her lips met mine, as ways to silence me go it was a pretty effective one. Although, tears were still streaming down my cheeks.

"Abby?" I didn't respond, "Abby, look at me." I did, very slowly, and took in everything I could've lost that day. The tears came faster.

"Abby? Look. Am I hurt? Did he harm me?"

I shook my head.

"Then why are you sad?"

I stared at her in disbelief, "It's not that simple!" I startled myself with my angry shout.

She stroked my cheek with her thumb and in a gentle voice asked, "Explain?"

I looked at her, and I examined the whirlpool of emotions and fears I had circling in my head. How could I ever express all of this to her, how could I let her know what she meant to me or how scared I was today? After a pause I simply stated "I feel guilty. And I don't ever want to lose you."

She smiled at me and repeated, "You have nothing to apologize for, nothing to feel guilty about and you will never, ever lose me." She hugged me tightly and after a little while she fell back asleep, but I lay wondering how she could make such a promise. I felt uneasy but the warmth of her skin, and peaceful rhythm of her breathing lulled me back to sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

Author Note: Hello all. My greatest apologies for the epic delay with this story, this chapter refused to be written. This one is based on the episode in season 1 called 'The Truth Is Out There'. I hope this is a satisfactory offering to the readers and I am hoping that now I have gotten past this episode I will be back to writing this one regularly.

Disclaimer: As ever I don't own any of it. (and don't read if femslash offends you!)

"Hey Abs."

I stirred out of my trance in which I'd been staring at the computer screen.

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder, "The case is over, go home, get some rest."

I nodded slowly, still focussed on the image I had been looking at for the last half hour.

"Abs?" The hand on my shoulder shook me slightly, I snapped out of it and turned around.

"Oh hey Gibbs. Yeah, right, home time."

He frowned slightly and pulled me to my feet, "You never used to lurk around here after a case was done, you would be out of the door like a shot."

"I had someone to go home to then…" I froze as I realised what I had just said out loud.

Gibbs didn't react except by slightly raising an eyebrow, "You still need to look after yourself, she may be gone but we still need you here."

He turned and walked out the lab, as he reached the door shouted out, "Go home, sleep!"

He was gone before I'd realised he had said 'she'!

"Kate?"

She looked up briefly from her book, smiled at me and turned the page, "Yeah?"

"Do you have any fetishes?" I had asked Gibbs the question earlier on, as a joke, when the case had seemed to be heading in that direction. Where Kate was concerned I was genuinely interested.

She dropped her book, blushed furiously and coughed to try and hide her embarrassment. I wasn't surprised, I had been expecting for her to tell me that it was a non-topic and that we shouldn't talk about it.

However after a coughing fit and some more blushing, not to mention recovering her book, she answered me very quietly, "I'm not really sure, it wasn't something I ever thought much about." She looked lost in her thoughts and slightly sad for a moment, "What about you?"

"Weeell…. I…" I started blushing, much to Kate's surprise.

"What?" She was suddenly giving me her full attention.

I blushed furiously, let my hair hide my face and then answered, "I… well, I kinda have a thing for gingham."

I lifted my eyes just in time to catch Kate trying to hide her surprised expression.

She chuckled softly under her breath, I should have realised what she was going to do then. "Well funnily enough…" She lent in to kiss my ear, a habit she had developed after realising how sensitive my ears are, and how much I squirm. She smiled and jumped up off the couch.

I wondered where she had gone but before I much chance to wonder, she reappeared with a long stretch of red gingham ribbon.

I stared open-mouthed at her, "Erm… dare I ask why? Or have you been reading my thoughts?"

"I wouldn't do that… never know what I'd find in there!"

"Hey!" I whipped a hand out to playfully swat her, she grabbed it and held tightly, so I tried with the other arm, which she also caught. "Hey! No fair!"

She had such a cheeky grin on her face I was distracted by the wonderful glow it brought about her face, so it wasn't until she stepped away to admire her work that I realised what she'd done. "Hey!"

I stared at my newly bound hands, wrapped in the ribbon. I stared at the contrast of the bright red patterned fabric against my pale skin.

She giggled at my confused expression, approached me again and sat herself gently on my lap. She was grinning fit to burst.

I straightened myself in the chair (quite a task with my hands bound and Kate sat on me) "So… what now?" I gave her what I hoped was a stubborn defiant expression. I expected her to back down. I expected her to laugh and untie me. I didn't expect what happened next!

Kate lent in so close to me that her lips brushed my own, I felt a tingle of electricity run through me and I must have made some noise to express this as she started laughing again, right next to my lips. And then suddenly she pulled away again, I felt the electricity race away. I looked up at her, knowing my face now showed a pleading expression.

She smiled at me gently, leaned in closer again, and bit lightly at my ear.

I wriggled furiously, and we both toppled off the couch and landed on the floor, "No escape now!" She laughed in a sultry fashion as she sat on top of me again.

"Who says I want to escape?"

I shook myself, sat at my desk in my lab, I looked around stunned. I must have been dreaming. Although the memory was real, but try as I might I couldn't remember what happened next.

'Too beautiful and fun to be committed to memory.'

I got up, stretched and realised Gibbs was right…

I really should go home and sleep.


End file.
